I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
