wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
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