If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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