Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
