I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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