you traded sex for a burrito?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
