Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
