Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
