This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
