Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
worst night to have a conscience
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
