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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
