so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
