george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
