there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
