capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
