Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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