apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I deserve this hangover.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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