I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
