I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
