i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
