I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
they're like a gay fantastic four
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
