make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
