We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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