I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
