you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
