just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
