I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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