I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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