hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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