so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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