I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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