so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
