I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
