She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
