This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
