Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
