If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
