i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize