whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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