do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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