so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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