the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
