My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Farmville is her only friend.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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