I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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