Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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