That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
