i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
