Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
