My liver just broke up with me...
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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