my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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