Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
