If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
he wants to bone in the snuggie
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
