i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
