You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
